Today I’m 26 years old, which is really old – it’s okay, I like growing old. Eventually I’ll be a part of the universe in a less conscious way, and that means peace! Anyway, here’s a list of things I intend to do on the a day I celebrate my birth almost three decades ago:

(no particular order)

1. Masturbate 26 times – you can tell how this list is going already, can’t you?
2. Foil a terrorist plot at the local Walmart without the help of that over rated scoundrel, Keifer Sutherland. What kind of a name is Keifer anyway? Sounds Nat-zi to me.
3. Prank call the White House, tell them I don’t believe Obama was born in the U.S., call shenanigans on their health insurance nonsense, and proclaim my dislike of Obama being a Muslim terrorist out to destroy this wonderful Christian nation.
4. Watch the Patriots get murdered by the undefeated Saints.
5. Get wasted (or just have a few drinks and call it a night).
6. Masturbate some more.
7. Watch this video again.
8. Kick a cat. Not either of mine, though.
9. Pray to space daddy that the LHC destroys the planet on my Birthday, of all days.
10. Play Modern Warfare 2 for about two minutes before rage quitting, maybe crying. No guarantees of that.
11. Kick a Republican.
12. Kick a Democrat.
13. Then kick a Republican again because I hate them more.
14. Steal my dad’s tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
15. Eat Subway for dinner. Spit out passengers.
16. Post on my blog, hope I don’t mistakenly link a porn video instead of something else cool.
17. Shit out more Turkey and potatoes from Thursday.