I’m unemployed. Have been for a while. It sucks, but it has its bonuses. Extra free time, for one. I’m fortunate for having support from family during such a shitty situation, so the free time is used to great benefit for my sanity, which is keeping my mind occupied and away from the depressingly hopeless job search. I don’t go stir crazy like other people do, at least not as often. So, spending almost all my time at home, to my self, reading – which is what I do with 90% of my free time – doesn’t drive me crazy.

I’m kicking myself for not utilizing all this free time more efficiently, though. I could be using all this time to write a book, or writing more on this blog, or doing something else creative. Why? Because I’d much rather write for a living, even if it’s not much of a living, than work a bullshit retail or other mindless service job.

For the longest time I’ve not known what I wanted to do “when I grow up.” First I thought I wanted to work on computers because I enjoyed it as a hobby growing up, putting together and maintaining my gaming rig. Programming really burned me out. Turns out I’m terrible with numbers and logic problems. In fact, academia in general isn’t compatible with my personality, just like working retail or other shitty service jobs aren’t. I know, I know, everybody has to do something they don’t want to do. But it’s much more than that for me. I would get severely depressed whenever I worked those shitty jobs.

Then I thought being a chef would be right up my alley – because, hey, I like food. Nope. Wrong on that one too. In fact, working in food service sucks too. Then, well, I kinda gave up. Worked fast food. Worked retail – and I hate retail. I can’t sell anything. I hate selling things. I HATE SALES. And I hate working with the public, at least in that setting as the servant to customers, because the customer is supposed to be always right when, in fact, no they fucking are not.

No matter what I was doing, writing and video games (or writing about video games) were always my outlets. I love video games, but I damn sure don’t want to work a video game retail chain. I love writing, but…okay, so I wouldn’t mind any job so long as I’m getting paid to write, but I’d rather write entertainment, or about entertainment, than producing sterile technical data for some bullshit corporation I don’t give a fuck about.

Also, I don’t like the idea of being a near mindless, obedient, ass-kissing douche bag. I hate being censored. Working for myself allows me freedom my spirit requires in order to be happy, and a significant philosophical requirement in my life is the pursuit of happiness. If I can’t live happy, then I shall not live at all. Yes, I’m borderline hedonist. Being freelance, or making a living by producing content for other people and having my own production company, or something along the lines of me working for myself — that in general, in fact — is what I need to be happy, what I need to be successful. To be human.

For now, I’ll take any employment I can find (that will have me, which is apparently nothing), but my heart, my dream will be about writing and video games. It’s what makes me happy. At least, until I figure out if I can actually act. Because, secretly, acting is something I would love to do for a living – I’ve just never done it before.